


S.O.B. Story

by Isis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alliteration, Challenge Response, Crack, F/M, Silly, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-02-01
Updated: 2003-02-01
Packaged: 2018-02-24 12:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2581424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isis/pseuds/Isis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Supreme silliness, sans smut.  This is what you get when you try to fulfill five challenges in a single story, including one specifying that the fic only use nouns, verbs and adjectives beginning with the letter S.</p>
            </blockquote>





	S.O.B. Story

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Slytherin Fuh-Q Fest, challenges: 15. A Slytherin has a penchant for fuzzy stuffed animals. 57. The fic can only use nouns and verbs and adjectives beginning with the letter S. You'll hate us, but try anyways. You may use standard pronouns. 93. Godric Gryffindor put his sword into the Sorting Hat. What did Salazar Slytherin slip in there and why? PLUS SPECIAL BONUS CHALLENGES! 3. What if Salazar Slytherin was really a woman? 75. (more or less) A Charms class accident brings a young Salazar Slytherin to present day Hogwarts. How do the current members of Slytherin House react when they find that the Founder isn't exactly what they were expecting? 
> 
> I cheated and used forms of "to be", along with auxiliary verbs, but I think I adhered to the spirit. Thanks to buzzard for several sensible suggestions, and a special tip o' the sorting hat to Mr. Roget, without whom this story could never have been written.

Second semester of school, and Severus Snape still showed a sweet and sensitive side.  His sunny spirit sprang from a secret:  since he was six, he'd had a sweet spot for a stuffed snake.  Susie Snake was his sympathetic sidekick, his "security snakey".  He sang Susie songs, slept with Susie, even secretively sneaked Susie into his schoolrooms.  If someone sussed his secret, he'd be stigmatized and shamefaced.  But serendipitously, Susie stayed secret. 

One Saturday, Severus was self-absorbed, studying some spells, Susie Snake by his side.  But somehow while saying sentences for summoning small songbirds, he stuttered and screwed up a syllable.  Suddenly... 

A swirl of smoke swept through.  Something slowly shaped in the smoke, something strange.  Something?  Someone! 

The someone stepped out of the smoke.  She was similar in size to Severus, in a strangely styled skirt. 

She spoke.  "Where am I?" 

"Slytherin section," said a somewhat surprised Severus. 

"Slytherin?" She sounded startled. 

"Who are you?" said Severus, suspiciously. 

" _I'm_ Slytherin," she said.  "Salazar Slytherin, at your service." 

Severus sputtered.  "Don't be stupid!  Salazar Slytherin wasn't of the softer sex!  He was strong, sly, skillful, and smart!" 

Suddenly, he was supine and she was straddling him.  "Well, _I'm_ strong, sly, skillful and smart.  And I'm Salazar Slytherin!" she sang out.  Then she smiled sweetly.  "Sally, for short." 

With Salazar - Sally - sitting on his stomach, Severus spotted something else.  She was also somewhat sexy.  Seriously sexy.  A slim, saucy siren.  He was smitten.  Sinful, salacious scenarios started to spawn spontaneously in his skull. 

And Sally, it seemed, shared the same sentiments.  She stretched down and smooched him seductively.  He squeezed her slender shape. 

They snogged.  They snuggled.  They swapped spit.   (Scrupulously sans sex, since this story's setting shows Severus and Sally sub-seventeen!)  Then Sally spotted Susie Snake.  "A stuffed snake?  How sweet!"  She seized Susie and studied it, squished it some, slyly slid it down Severus's stomach. 

Suddenly, the spell which had somehow summoned Salazar Slytherin stretched to its most sizable span -- and snapped like a sprung spring!  Sally was spun sideways, snatched from Severus's surroundings, and swiftly slung back to her own schooldays.  And sent by her side, sucked into the spell, was Susie. 

Severus Snape was stunned, severely shaken.  Sympathize with sad, suffering Severus!  Separated from Susie Snake, shorn from his steadfast sidekick, Snape soon sunk into a stupor.  His social skills slumped.  He started seeming sarcastic, spiteful, scornful, snarling sourly at all and sundry. 

Snape's still as such - solitary, sardonic, sort of spooky, scowling at scared students.  But I see, as with second sight:  someday scores will be settled, and the situation will shift.  See, each School Starter selected some special stuff to save for successors.  Someday soon, Snape will scoop up, shake the Sorter.  And what do you suppose Severus Snape will see sliding out? 

**Author's Note:**

> Benebu remixed this for the [Remix: The Drabble](http://community.livejournal.com/remixthedrabble/profile?mode=full) fest, and her (adorable!) version is here: [The Source of Severus' Sourness (The Smile Is But A Souvenir Remix)](http://community.livejournal.com/remixthedrabble/42440.html)


End file.
